To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
You've heard it before. This little ditty has been the theme song for AA for nearly half a century and various other 12-step programs for decades. But addict or not, everyone should have this one memorized or at least a copy of it in pocket or purse.
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Whenever I hear the Serenity Prayer, my attention is always captured by the last line; "And the wisdom to know the difference." Wisdom. How do we acquire wisdom? Courage and acceptance can be learned, but wisdom requires experience and time.
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In the headlines is Abby Sunderland, the 16 year old Cali girl who has decided to sail around the world alone. After encountering real trouble out in the Indian Ocean she had to be rescued. She's lucky to be alive. Very lucky. An article referred to Abby as a "Lifelong Sailor." Lifelong sailor? Don't get me wrong, Abby has been sailing for years. She has had enormous amounts of training and certifications giving proof of her knowledge of sailing. What Abby lacks is wisdom, and all the books, lessons, and sailing trips with her parents will not bring wisdom to a teenager. Abby will only gain wisdom through the passage of time and a wide variety of sailing experiences.
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Now I think about marrying young. About getting married without having had much experience and time under one's belt. Many, okay, most, okay... ALL of the people I've known throughout my life who have married before the age of 25 have bore the scars of a lack of wisdom. Marriage is hard even in the best of circumstances, and all the premarital classes, counseling, and handbooks cannot take the place of experience needed to keep a marriage afloat and functional. And by experience, I mean dating. Dating is how we acquire relationship wisdom. Without the experiences of relationships with others, those who marry young enter into the commitment of marriage without perspective, insight, patience, and confidence. Instead they bring with them the emotional chaos of a teenager; insecurity, angst, confusion, and fear.
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I met my husband when I was 21. If I had stayed with him and married him then, we would not be together today. We would have made each other miserable and the victims of our immaturity. I needed to date and love and lose a handful of others in order to make me a good partner for the long haul. I remember who I was at 21. I was a basketcase, and even my most 'mature' and 'together' friends, were, at bottom, emotional trainwrecks themselves. Neither I, nor they had begun to sift through the damage wrought in our childhoods.
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Without the experiences of dating, loving, and losing, people who marry young often end up emotionally stunted. Ten years into marriage they argue and bicker about things successfully married couples wouldn't even dream about. Jealousy, misplaced anger, resentment, and fear abound. Dating is the opportunity to get torn down and rebuilt. It gives us targets to bounce our craziness off of, and then the freedom to move on to healthier pastures. We learn to set boundaries and the consequences that arise when we overstep the boundaries of others. In dating we discover what can bend and break us, how to treat others, and how to handle crisis and manage our pain.
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The greatest gift perhaps of dating is the chance to learn when to stay and when to walk away. And walk away relatively easy, without divorce lawyers and child support payments. When we are young we have an energy and hopefulness that is sometimes easily misplaced. We allow our exuberance and belief in the resilience of love to convince us to invest in people and situations that those with real wisdom would know quickly were not worth the time or effort. We acquire the wisdom to know the difference.
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So Dear Abby, and the rest of you youngsters, before embarking on the journey of a lifetime, get a little life under your belt. Navigate the waters a bit at a time. Sail to nearby islands but stay within sight of shore. Eat the fruit, lay on the beaches, and break in your own boat. Take the time to assess the strength of your own sails, find their weaknesses and make repairs. Ascertain the stability of your own ship before charting a course into more serious and consequential waters. And seek adventures that don't require the potential sacrifice of your future.
