Parents Raising Pitbulls

I just read a news article about 15 year old, Phoebe Prince. Phoebe and her family moved here from Ireland last September and began attending South Hadley High School in Massachusetts. For some inexplicable reason, some of her fellow students decided to welcome Phoebe by launching a campaign of threats, violence, abuse, and stalking against her. How nice. On January 14th, after 3 months of this torture, Phoebe hung herself with a belt from a stairwell in her apartment complex. As I try to imagine this girl's long and lonely walk home from school on that day I am consumed by sadness for her. Wishing I had known her. Wishing I could have walked home with her that day and convinced her that those vile and hate-filled students, who relentlessly antagonized her, were insignificant idiots not worth one of her tears, let alone her life.

Every time I hear one of these stories about bullying, I am thrust back into my own childhood when I was bullied. It is incredible how the memories of that time have stuck with me for more than 25 years. Now as a mother of two young children, I don't know if it would be worse to be the mother of a victim, like Phoebe, or of the perpetrators. I say clearly that I have no idea what Phoebe's parents must be experiencing; the unimaginable pain, heartbreak, and grief, but I am equally at a loss to imagine the shame and pain that the parents of these kids who abused Phoebe must be feeling. Should be feeling. I try to imagine having given birth to a child and then raised them in such a way that when filled with their own insecurities and self-doubt brought on by the presence of someone new and different, their response is to attack. To seek out the vulnerable spots, the weaknesses, the jugulars, and attack without mercy. Congratulations parents, you raised a Pitbull.

Now that nine of these students have been charged in connection with Phoebe's death, some are wondering what the fate of the parents should be. To this I want to point out, that within the law, it is commonly understood that parents are held responsible for the actions of their minor children. Your kid throws a baseball and breaks a window, Mom and Dad pay for it. Your kid steals a car and crashes it, Mom and Dad pay for it. Likewise, the law finds that owners of vicious dogs who attack and kill, are held responsible for the acts of their dogs. I don't want to quibble over the idea that as parents we don't own our children like we own our pets. The point is, if we sign up to have children or own dogs, we, by default, accept the responsibility of raising them.

The parents of those kids who assaulted, abused, and attacked Phoebe Prince, did more than just fail as parents. Their irresponsible child-rearing unleashed into our society, individuals who acted in such a way as to directly contribute to the suffering, torture, and death of another human being. That said, of the nine kids charged in Phoebe's death, only three of them are minors (under 18). Those parent's of the minor children should be charged and held liable along with their children. The law considers children over 18 to be independent of their parents and thereby legally exempts their parents from facing legal consequences. Those "kids" should be held accountable as adults. Their parents can only live with the knowledge that their lack of decent parenting has led their children to their fate, whatever that may be.

As a parent, I suggest that these parents humbly and shamefully step forward to accept responsibility and the consequences of what happened to Phoebe. It might be their last chance to set an example of responsibility and decency to their children. No matter how embarrassing, shameful, or inconvenient it might be to do so, they can, at least, be comforted by the knowledge that their children can have a second chance. Phoebe and her parents will not.

To any kid who is finding themselves the victim of the same kind of situation as Phoebe, I would like to share with you something that got me through the dark days of my youth. After months of harassment and cruelty, I too had considered suicide. I felt terribly alone, without a friend to care about me. I dreaded going to school, and faked illnesses to get out of going every day to a place where I was tripped, pushed, humiliated, and insulted both during and between classes. I fantasized about hurting them. I contemplated ending my own life to escape it. I thought about the letter I would write; calling out all of my attackers by name, and listing their offenses against me. Then one day someone said "The best revenge is a life well lived." I cannot recall who or where I heard it. But it settled on me in such a way that it changed the course of my life during that time. It didn't make the torment any easier to take, but it gave me hope and it gave me a purpose. Now some 25 years later, I've had my revenge. I have a wonderful and amazing life full of love and joy. Please don't give up. Never give up! They aren't worth you're life or your future. If you give them those things, they win. Don't let them win. This horrible time will pass and you will have an amazing life. Please, PLEASE believe me.

In a recent communication with my bully (thanks to MySpace) I've learned that she has not been so fortunate. In fact I discovered that during that time in our lives, her world was full of pain, abuse, and neglect at the hands of her parents. In the end, my bully, the Pitbull that mauled me 5 days a week, apologized. What I'd never considered then was that her parents were the one's who let go of her leash. Maybe I can find them on Facebook.